When the Holidays Bring More Than Just Family Together

The holidays can stir up a lot of emotions - joy, nostalgia, gratitude - and sometimes, deep discomfort. If you're navigating divorce or a major life transition, this season might bring a new kind of reflection. You might notice things about yourself, your relationships, or your family dynamics that have been hidden in plain sight.

Divorce often acts as a magnifying glass, illuminating family patterns and roles you’ve played for years -perhaps the peacemaker, the caretaker, the responsible one, or the one who absorbs others’ pain. These roles, shaped by your family system, once helped you feel safe and significant. But during times of change, you may realize they no longer fit who you’re becoming. This can feel unsettling, but it’s also an invitation to step into a more authentic version of yourself.

Each of us grows up in a family system that shapes how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Those roles once helped us survive, but as adults, they can limit how we relate and connect. Divorce can bring these patterns to the surface, whether it’s noticing those old roles at holiday gatherings or recognizing echoes of your childhood home in your relationship with your former partner.

In the process of divorce or change, those patterns can surface again. Maybe you find yourself slipping into the same role at your family’s holiday gathering, even though you’ve outgrown it. Maybe you notice that the dynamics with your former partner echo familiar patterns from your childhood home.

We often choose partners who reflect both the love and the wounds of our early experiences. It is our human tendency to recreate familiar dynamics in hopes of resolving old hurts. If you notice these patterns repeating, remember: it’s not a sign of failure, but an opportunity to grow with greater awareness and self-compassion.

As you become more aware, you might realize your family of origin isn’t a safe or healthy space for you right now. Setting boundaries—or even taking a break from certain family members—isn’t about abandoning love. It’s about choosing peace and prioritizing your own healing. Healthy boundaries are linked to lower stress, better emotional well-being, and stronger relationships.

In some cases, “breaking up” with your family of origin may be an act of self-preservation. It can be temporary or permanent, but it’s always about aligning your life with health and authenticity.

Family isn’t limited to those you share DNA with—it’s made up of people who show up for you, support you, and remind you of your worth. Love is not just inherited; it’s lived out in actions, empathy, and understanding. Research on “chosen family” shows that supportive friends and communities can be just as vital to our well-being as biological relatives.

This holiday season, give yourself permission to nurture your well-being. You don’t have to attend every gathering or uphold every tradition, especially if it doesn’t serve your healing. Consider creating new rituals—whether it’s a quiet morning walk, volunteering, or gathering with friends who lift you up. These new traditions can reflect the person you’re becoming, not just the role you once played.

Growth often begins when we pause, reflect, and choose differently. Divorce is a profound transition, but it’s also a chance to rewrite your story with intention and self-love. This holiday season, the greatest gift you can give yourself may be the gift of peace—a quiet moment, a gentle boundary, or the courage to start anew.

Remember, you’re not alone. Many people have walked this path and found greater strength, clarity, and joy on the other side. Whatever this season brings, trust that you’re capable of creating a life—and a holiday—that honors who you truly are.

Dr. Jenny Seiss is a licensed psychologist and founder of the Family Guidance Center, specializing in high-conflict family dynamics and child-focused custody evaluations.