Stop SayingNarcissist

Words matter, especially in co-parenting.

When we describe someone as “a narcissist” or label them as “toxic,” it may feel like we’re simply naming what’s true. But language shapes not only how we see the other parent, it also shapes how we show up. The words we choose can either keep us stuck in conflict or help us step into calm, healthy leadership for our children.

Co-parenting isn’t easy, especially when your relationship with your ex-partner is strained. It’s natural to want to make sense of their behavior. While this can feel validating in the moment, it’s important to remember: the language we use doesn’t just describe our reality—it shapes it. It influences our feelings and how we interact. When that label becomes the only lens you look through, you stop seeing your own power to respond differently. When we fixate on diagnosing or blaming someone else, we lose sight of what we can actually control: our responses, boundaries, and emotional regulation.

Choose maturity.

Being the bigger person” isn’t about giving in. It’s about choosing maturity over momentum, refusing to let the conflict define your behavior. When you stop taking the other parent’s behavior personally, you free yourself and your child from the chaos of emotional reactivity.

That might look like:

• Communicate Factually: Stick to the facts about schedules, events, and your child’s needs. Avoid emotionally charged language and accusations.

  
  

• Use Neutral Language: Replace “you always” or “you never” with “I notice,” “I feel,” or “Can we try…” This helps keep conversations constructive.

  
  

• Focus on Your Child: Center discussions around your child’s well-being, not your ex’s behavior. For example, “Our child seems stressed. Can we talk about ways to support them?”

  
  

• Set Boundaries Calmly: Decide what you will and won’t tolerate, communicate those boundaries clearly, and follow through consistently.

  
  

• Pause Before Reacting: If you feel triggered by something your co-parent says or does, take a moment to breathe and think before responding.

These moments of restraint aren’t weakness - they’re strength in motion.

Children learn how to handle conflict by watching us. When they hear one parent constantly blamed or criticized, they absorb that energy- and it can create loyalty conflicts, shame, or confusion.

When they hear calm, clear communication and see a parent who models restraint and respect, they feel safer — even in the midst of change.

So, be mindful of your words. Not because your co-parent deserves it, but because your child does.

Co-parenting with someone who is difficult, reactive, or emotionally unpredictable is incredibly hard. You will lose your cool sometimes- we all do. But each time you pause, re-center, and respond instead of react, you teach your child something invaluable: That peace is possible, even when people are complicated.

Dr. Jenny Seiss is a licensed psychologist and founder of the Family Guidance Center, specializing in high-conflict family dynamics and child-focused custody evaluations.